"Online Dating for Beginners!" by Robby Ni.
Tue, March 20, 2007
Are you socially awkward when talking face-to-face with someone? So ugly that you have to hide behind a computer screen when talking to women? Can't go out to dinner without brandishing a knife at your date? Or maybe a combination of the three?
Boy, the dating scene sure is hard! Take it from me: a man who has been pepper-sprayed by thirty-five people in his life, including his own parents on several seperate occasions. I have restraining orders from so many of my neighbors that I am more or less under house arrest, and I still can't go into the kitchen because it's within one hundred feet of my neighbor Carol's house! With all those things going wrong in my life, I thought I would never find a date!
But then, a heavenly light began to emerge from my computer screen: the internet! Yes, a whole new means of dating people without ever having to leave the house! I quickly signed up for a bunch of online dating websites and, under the tempting net handle of "Sk8boardingromeo," I was ready to talk to women! Soon enough, I was an online dating MASTER!
Hi. I'm Robby Ni and, as I just mentioned, I am the master of the off-offline date. Now, I will share some tips with you!
First of all, there are plenty of honest, good-looking men and women who use online dating services to pursue strong relationships. Still, that doesn't mean you don't have to lie to people once in a while. Are you short and/or ugly? Doesn't matter! Tell 'em you were lead quarterback in highschool and currently moonlight as overseas heartthrob Clive Owen. Hopefully, by the time they find out you were lying they'll be too invested in the relationship to care.
Similarly, don't automatically assume that your date is telling the truth all the time. Sometimes people say "lol" without really having laughed out loud! Also, sometimes people say, "Let's not do this again" when they really mean "I want you, Robby, but I won't admit it unless maybe you come to my house in the middle of the night and watch me through the window." Sometimes, you really just have to use your intuition to figure out what a woman is really saying!
So what do you talk about in an online date? Experts will tell you to talk about the other person. No, not Jesus! Your date! However, I disagree: asking your date questions won't get you anywhere. Why would she care about answering your questions about her? She already knows about herself! She wants to hear about YOU. So talk about yourself – at great length, cutting her off when she tries to say something not related to you. Also, make sure to talk about how hot your exes are (even if they aren't, or if you don't have any exes), because you need to make him or her feel that you can pretty much have anyone you want if you so choose.
What if your new love wants to meet you offline for a real date? Uh-oh! Don't panic – just follow my tips and you'll have no problems!
The most obvious difference between an online date and an offline date is that your date will now be able to see you. So your appearance during the date is key. When I was a kid I had a Captain Roosevelt costume that came with a foam muscle chest that you were supposed to wear underneath the costume so that it looked as if you had Captain R's trademarked pecs and six-pack. It is not a bad idea to wear a similar muscle pad if you have to meet your sweetie in person for an offline date. Also, maybe cut yourself on the arm a few times with a sharp kitchen knife and then make up an enticing story to go with the scars. My favorites are "the gang fight," "the tractor accident," and "the sharp kitchen knife."
Dating – online or off – is essentially a sales pitch: you are trying to sell yourself to your date – but don't really do that, as most girls don't seem to like it. Just like Hot Topic, you are trying to sell an image. Often, that image isn't entirely genuine, and is usually pretty fake (like most of the people who shop at Hot Topic). It is easier to establish an image in an online date than it is in an offline date, as the internet masks all lies. Want to appear smart? Then copy and paste Herman Melville quotes that you find online. Want to appear stupid? Then send her links to videos clips featuring Carlos Mencia. Nothing is impossible with the internet as your guise!
By now, you are well on your way to becoming an online dating pro just like me! If you have any questions, or want to try out some of your newfound skills, shoot me an email. Especially if you are a redhead... with a size 32 waist... and under 30 years old.
Good hunting!
