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Everybody knows that all it takes to be an artist is to go out and buy a camera with an overcompensatingly-large lens. Because I spent all my money on lotto tickets last month, I could not afford a high-quality camera of my own. But I don't want you to think that the low quality of the following photos makes me any less of an awesome, pretentious artiste.

I call this one "The Tree." The presence of a lone tree against an urban background suggests the dissonance between nature and stuff that isn't nature.

Taken with a really old cell phone camera.

I call this one "The Holiday Tree." It is a sequel, of sorts, to my previous photo. Note how the graininess of the image makes the Christmas lights appear even more like unnatural technology.

Taken with a really old cell phone camera.

I call this one "The Dark Mountain." The bleakness of the picture represents, perhaps metaphorically, the poor performance of low-end photographic equipment used in low-light environments.

Taken with a really old cell phone camera.

I call this one "Drums." It was taken in what looks to be a pirate-themed restaurant. But history has proven that there weren't many drum kits that sat atop pirate ships in real life. Thus, this photograph displays what is called "photographic irony."

Taken with a really old cell phone camera.

I call this one "Ocean Sunset." I think I am the first photographer to capture the image of a sun setting over an ocean. I think it really works as a photographic subject, and am thusly surprised other photographers have not done stuff like this before.

Taken with a really old cell phone camera.

I call this one "Subway Station." It is part of a series of photographs that I call "Urban Study," because there aren't enough urban study photography sets in the world. That must mean that there aren't enough creatively-bankrupt photographers living in New York City.

Taken with a really old cell phone camera.

I call this one "The Cherry." Most of the color was removed from this photograph. You haven't seen that technique a thousand times before, right? I like using cherries in my work because they represent virginity, and a loss of innocence, thus giving meaning to any painting or photograph they are wedged into.

Taken with a basic digital camera.

I call this one "Sunset On an Ocean." It is another sun setting in front of an ocean. Really, can you believe no-one's taken pictures like this before?

Taken with a really old cell phone camera.

I call this one "View of Trees from Behind a Screen Window." The screen mesh represents man's disconnect from nature.

Taken with a really old cell phone camera.

I call this one "Pretty Flowers." Sometimes it seems that some "good" photographs are only appealing because of their subject, owing very little of their appeal to any effort or skill on the photographer's part. This is not one of those photos; I was really doing most of the work here.

Taken with a really old cell phone camera.

I call this one "Fountain of Hope." This was actually going to be a fantastic photo of that building in the background, but then the jets turned on and ruined the shot.

Taken with a really old cell phone camera.

I call this one "American Gothic, 2012." If you don't understand the title and how it relates to the picture, then you probably just don't know much about politics or photography. It's okay. But if you do understand the subtle meaning, then you will be like, "Wow, this picture really makes a statement!"

Taken with a really old cell phone camera.

I call this one "The Duality of Man." It represents the singularity of man, but with a bold twist.

Taken with a really old cell phone camera.

And there we have it. This is the point where I make a joke involving the phrase "a picture is worth a thousand words." These pictures are worth a thousand hits, maybe? Has that been done? I'll have to check every other photography website ever made and compare "worth a thousand words" parodies.